to the women I pretended to fancy…

So when you’re growing up gay, you invariably pretend to really fancy one or two women. The other day I let my mind wander to all the embarrassing things that happened with the girls I pretended to fancy. Do you ever do that thing where you can die of embarrassment just from the memory- it was like that. I just wanted to say sorry to some of the women I pretended to fancy…

Amy- In primary school one of my friends was asking who I fancied for valentines day so I pretended it was a girl called Amy. In hindsight I think I picked her because some of the boys I fancied, fancied her too. Then I gave her a really elaborate valentines. I can’t take full responsibility- my parents helped with the lie as I had no money. I remember her being very embarrassed and I feel bad about it every time I remember it. My mum worked at the school and casually dropped some flowers into the class for Amy from a ‘secret admirer’. Really subtle… Sorry I made you cry.

Stacey- We were boyfriend and girlfriend for two weeks in year 7 I think. It was awful. Stacey had such intense feelings that actually had nothing to do with me. I should never have agreed to go out with her as I didn’t fancy her- not her fault she’s not a man. When we broke up she said I’d given her crap presents and I casually said ‘if they were crap I’d take them back’ and she told everyone I demanded the stuff back. I have a lot to answer for Stacey but I feel like you need to take some responsibility too. Sorry that it happened.

Another girlfriend- The year after Stacey another girl, whose name I’ve forgotten, asked to be my girlfriend and then we broke up a week later because I never tried to kiss her or take things further. Because I was gay… I feel bad I’ve forgotten her name but she was probably the coolest girlfriend I ever had. Too cool for a name really. Sorry I didn’t finger you, but I imagine you’re happy about that now.

I might be remembering this wrong but I might have gone out with a girl called Rachel. By gone out I mean we had lunch twice and held hands. She was a real LOL but alas it was not meant to be because she was also not a man. No sorry necessary here, it ended pretty amicably.

Special mention to Jess who fancied me in school- I think I thought I fancied you too. Sorry I didn’t fancy you back, you’re much better looking than me.

Also special shout out to Rose who I made out with once and touched your nipple. I am so embarrassed about it but so happy we never talk about it and managed to move on, because I was gay. Sorry I’m gay because you’d probably be the one if I weren’t.

Although my cheeks are blazing red and I am utterly humiliated by these encounters with girls who all deep down knew I was gay before I did, I appreciate each of you. Without you, I could be trapped in a sexless marriage instead of being all about that hoe life with literally tens of older men…

Thanks gal pals…


what if I am all the awful things people say about me?

Inspired by everyone’s totally moving ‘New Year, new me’ social media, I thought I’d write about my year in review and hopes for 2017. It’s a bit self indulgent, feel free to stop reading.

Everyone hated 2016 so it would stand to reason that I would think it was actually quite good. I am at my core a contrarian. Last year I travelled, I got better at stand up, I did a triathlon and I met someone who might be on the cusp of dumping me. It was a good year for me. I don’t want to sound full of myself, there was some terrible stuff. It’s well known that my finances are in the toilet. I don’t have any great career stuff happening at the moment, I’m no closer to getting a ring or a house with a mortgage. But the great stuff has out weighed the terrible stuff. But that doesn’t diminish the terrible stuff.

In terms of not so great stuff, I’ve had a lot of criticism this year. Maybe not more than any other year, I’m just holding onto it more than usual in a really healthy and wonderful way. I’ve had an actual critique, which revealed that I’m not funny. This year people who love me have also told me that I’m controlling, rude and selfish. So there we go, boring, controlling, nasty and selfish. I’ve been called all this and worse. This the year of so much amazingness, maybe I’ve become an arsehole? Maybe I always was.

What can you do though? I’m not perfect, that’s not a surprise to me. Those character flaws aren’t good and it’s worse that I’m not actually a character so people have to put up with me. It’s a hard balance though, when people you care about say mean things, sometimes it’s just an argument and you’re fabulous. Other times they are the only person being honest with you. There are the low moments where you ask yourself ‘what if all the awful things people think about me are true?’ There are the moments of arrogance where you say to yourself ‘so what if all those things are true?’

What’s the point of all this question posing? Why share the most awful things people think of me?

So my point, which I’m reaching, is this… I probably am awful so in a bid to balance that I’ll be adding a less selfish revolution to my list this year. Something like giving back but I won’t mention it here because that would be tacky. I am all the awful things people think about me but I’m also more than the sum of my parts. I’ve been able to look at some of the ugliest parts of myself and I accept them. Not because I think they’re fine. But to have parts of yourself that are difficult only makes you human. It’s like ‘embracing your curves’ but in a personality way. It’s important to try and improve but I’m also a foul person and that’s ok because it’s who I am.

Martin; selfish, nasty, controlling and boring, I’m coming 2017, flaws and all…



who even needs a grammy? the Grammy nominations have come out. Beyonce is rightly leading the pack with 9 nominations. Rihanna I think has 8 (please don’t get your news from me) and Adele’s got a bunch too.

It goes without saying but Lemonade deserves Album of the year.

However I can’t help but notice a glaringly obvious mistake… I’ve not been nominated for a Grammy…

Lukas Graham got a nomination & I didn’t. That’s reasonable.

In case you need reminding I came up with the following hits this year when I surprise released my EP…

AND you can still buy my songs. Let’s make me Christmas number 1… or at least number 1001…click here to buy the best songs ever so I don’t have to eat out of the bin no more 😉



destitute and handling it with class

So last year I was very bummed out and decided I’d change my life in 2016. I haven’t FYI…

I’ve had a really great year, not to brag. I ran a triathlon, visited South America and had my own Edinburgh show. But here’s the thing- that costs. And at some point I’ll have to start paying.

Truth time, I haven’t made over £1000 for over 4 months. My rent is ridiculously cheap and I barely make it. I’m freelance and the work hasn’t been pouring in like it used to but also I didn’t work for two months this year. I’ve just been stacking up debt like it’s pokemon, gotta catch em all. My credit score started from the bottom and got lower, which is totally fine because I couldn’t be further from having a mortgage. Career wise I’m not facing a promotion. I’m starting to feel like something in my personality doesn’t suit a competitive environment. I don’t want to slag off my employers because I enjoy getting paid but also they’re pretty good to me. However I’m freelance and so I’ve been putting feelers out for full time work.

Here’s the thing about looking for work- it’s a full time job that pays shit all. Potential employers are allowed to ask you to send a personalised CV for every job, a covering letter, an essay, plus fill out a form and write a 500 word story about taking a dump- YET they don’t have to even respond to say ‘no thanks.’ Isn’t that bizarre?

I’ve applied to jobs above my station, at my station and below my station and none of them are having it. Am I the only person with a degree, a masters, almost six years experience in live TV, who is basically unemployable. I applied for a job in a coffee shop down my road and they literally ignored me, twice. Honest to god I’ve had one interview at an estate agents for a Saturday job. A job that was previously done by a 17 year old. The job didn’t work out, which is good actually because I’m dirt and deserve to feel like it.

Shouldn’t finding work get easier as you get more experience? That is not what I’ve found. I don’t understand how employers can request such weirdly specific things in their adverts and still find someone to take the job. I saw a job the other day for a runner who had to have five years experience. If you’ve been a runner for five years I’d argue you’re not that good at your job… no?

I mean- is this just the industry I’m in? Or is everyone feeling like this? I’m basically unemployable. How much worse does it have to get before it gets better? How many jobs must I apply for and not hear back from? The other day I applied for a job as a runner for a one day shoot and they never replied. What? Yes some people have much worse problems and I shouldn’t complain. 2016 has been unkind to many, Prince for example. But some how my problems seem worse because they’re happening to me. I know that seems self involved because it is but I don’t care. Being self involved shouldn’t make you unemployable. Who gives a shit?


fringe’in hell

Hello Friends;

Some people have asked how my run in Edinburgh went and I’m pleased to report it’s over. I’ve waited a while to post this to make sure I can be sensible and have perspective. Then I thought… sod it! During August I was miserable and that’s certainly why I called my mum every few hours, often crying. I didn’t have any friends and worse than that I had no desire to make friends. I had a terrific opening show followed by the worst show of my life. Luckily the second one was reviewed. That second show was quiet and 50% of the audience seemed to be just getting out of the rain. I realised about 2 minutes into the set that I wasn’t ready for a show at the Fringe. I had no idea how to keep an audience entertained for an hour. I wasn’t even sure how shows worked- what’s a bucket? How could the second night be so much worse than the first. I hobbled through the hour, people left, it was heinous, I made basically no money and then went home and cried. The next day I woke up and re-worked a particularly quiet spot. I wanted to go home but that didn’t feel like an option. I went back to my show that night, even more nervous. I did the slightly altered show and reminded myself to perform rather than just recite the set. It worked and was much better. Learning curve number one at the fringe.

I am thankful that no night was ever as terrible as the second show. I am resentful that I wasn’t reviewed again. Despite the awful show to a tiny audience, the worst thing at my fringe came later in the week when the review went live. Two guys queued for my show and said I’d had really good reviews and smiled. I was thrilled. I performed a decent show, had a fun night, things were good. I got back to my hostel and googled my show. I found the only review. 1 star. I know the things about reviews- we’ve all heard them. Don’t read the negative reviews, everyone gets a bad review at the fringe, just ignore it and work on yourself. I know all of this and still I memorised the critique. I’m healthy. It was weird that I was particularly aware in my head that everyone has felt like a failure in their life but this felt honestly worse than every other failure. I know that seems narcissistic because it is. The reviewer said ‘Dixon has a remarkable gift as a naturally unfunny person’ and that my show was ‘not worth the time or the effort to see’. And those two little piece of shit who told me about my review and smiled- I thought I was making friends but it turns out I was being laughed at.

As anyone creative can attest to, not everyone will love what you’re trying to do. Bad reviews are a staple in creative industries. I knew negative stuff would come. But I always assumed the negative stuff would come after wave upon wave of positive reviews and comments. I figured that by the time I attracted negative attention I wouldn’t notice it because of the overwhelming support. That’s not how it happened. But then if I had attended that terrible show what would I have reviewed myself? I felt like reviewer didn’t get me but in fairness in that audience no one did. Given that audience again, after learning all I did I know I could handle it better but they still wouldn’t have loved it. Free shows are a gamble. When they work it’s better than crack, when they don’t it’s worse than being addicted to crack. Spoken like someone who isn’t even confident what crack is.

The reviewer, who I won’t name, was a theatre student. Not my target audience as the critic was a theatre buff and I perform stand up comedy. I can make lots of excuses about how much this critic didn’t get me. I also could and did spend a lot of time criticising the review and being heinous about the reviewer. S/He was a piece of shit and the article was written in poor English. Truth be told it really hurt my feelings and I was instantly embarrassed that the reviewer had over 1000 hits. Whenever I put something creative online I’m lucky if it tops 100. This person I didn’t know was tearing down my efforts and reaching a far larger audience doing it. I’d love to report that I found a magic way to deal with criticsm. I toyed with the idea of taking a quote out of context for my flyer, literally turning a positive to a negative. I thought about complaining to the website. If nothing else the review was full of mistakes, attacked me in a personal way rather than just reviewed the show and also seemed to suggest I should somehow represent every LGBTQI person and had failed to do so. I didn’t even successfully ignore the review since I’d basically memorised it.

During the fringe, this review and a lack of friends and everything else seemed like a gigantic failure. I know that’s negative. To be honest, reading it back I’m sure I’ll be embarrassed by how ‘poor little rich boy’ it’s going to sound. But it sucks. Failure sucks. It doesn’t feel good and when you fail you feel like the only one. But my failure at the fringe, as embarrassing as that may be, still stands up as something I’m proud of. I decided to do the Fringe with very little experience and now I’m basically an expert. I know how to do this right if I choose to come back. Not only that, I’m a much better performer than I was even last week. If I reviewed myself, I’d award myself most improved. Well in truth I’d probably award myself a grammy and a nobel peace prize, since I’m giving myself awards. But truthfully my run was not much worse nor any better than anyone else’s run. I view it as a failure because it didn’t make me Amy Schumer. But I’ve gained a wealth of experience and actually on my last night I shared it with a group of people who felt like friends. I had made friends with other acts in my venue and from other shows I particularly admired. If I do the fringe again I have people I can call upon for advice. I didn’t have that this year. I owe them all a big thank you actually and an apology for not seeing their kindness clearly enough at the time.

Of course there were some really positive audience interaction. One teenage girl gave me a £10 note and told me that I’d earned it. One couple of burly men gave me £20 each. It’s tacky to mention money but when I was very poor it meant a lot. One young man who came up to me after a show told me that he’d never been able to relate to a comic the way he had been able to relate to me. It meant a lot that a stranger took the time to tell me face to face. That moment is fleeting. It isn’t something solid I can copy and paste to friends in an email. Not like the reviews. But for me it was everything.

Also, the biggest factor that proves maybe it wasn’t all as miserable as it felt- I lost like 2 lbs. I ate basically 8 brioches rolls a day but I wasn’t miserable enough to comfort eat myself into an early grave. If you know me then you’ll know that’s a miracle.

Thank you to all my friends who visited during the fringe and ones that couldn’t but supported me from a far. A huge thank you to my dad for his kind words. And a HUGE thank you to my mum- there were days I would’ve died if I hadn’t been as foul to you on the phone as I was. You’re my favourite outlet for my rage and I’m sorry about that. I’m sure you can’t wait for next year even more than me!



been working hard

Hey ginger witches (term of endearment)

I’ve been working hard with a group of dedicated friends and people I bribed to make some sketches. The plan is to upload once a week til Edinburgh so stay tuned for more but the first is already up. Take a look at the new sketches tab at the top for some scripted hilarity.